Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Please read the humor piece by Amy Ozols in the May 8, 2009 New Yorker:


And now this:

Will you be my friend?

Hello, pretty woman sitting next to me.
This is my first time on an airplane, and boy am I excited!
My name is JJ, and I’m a child. Maybe you don’t have a lot of experience with children, or maybe you didn’t have a very memorable childhood, but let me explain what “child” means. I’m smaller and not as knowledgeable as you, but my mind is expanding at an amazing rate—I can learn a foreign language just by walking through the room! I haven’t yet learned how to suppress my emotions, and I think the world is amazing!
The woman sitting next to me is my mommy. She’s the center of my universe. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, I can sing her song all day. Although she’s not very happy today. She was telling me that Grandpa Ted has gone to sleep forever and we have to go say goodbye. Daddy can’t go, ‘cause he has to work. Daddy works all the time and Mommy used to work, and I used to have to go to preschool. But preschool closed and now she stays home with me! I love that. I’d rather be with Mommy all the time.
I saw Mommy gazing wistfully at your stairmastered thighs in those dry clean only pants. Mommy never wears pants like that. Or shoes or jewelry like that, either. But Mommy is so soft and warm in her fuzzy sweater. I love to bury my face in Mommy’s shoulder, and she always lets me, even when I have just vomited.
I see you are trying to sleep, and I don’t see how you can! This airplane is so amazing! All the juice you want to drink! Mommy got me some special treats for the plane too. She got me this doll that talks! That’s amazing! But not as amazing as this airplane. And all the people on the airplane are amazing. I want to get up and run all up and down this airplane, it’s so amazing! I want to meet everyone and see what they are doing, and do it too! Mommy says I need to stay in my seat, but I want to GO!
You keep closing your eyes, but I can see you are not asleep! Mommy does that sometimes too. I can always tell. Even if she is in the other room. Right now Mommy’s eyes are leaking water again and her mouth has gone all funny and crimpy. She’s picked up the in-flight magazine but I’m not going to let her read that! She has to pay attention only to me!
Uh oh, I got so excited I forgot that I had to go poo-poo. Now Mommy has to wrestle me and the diaper bag into that tiny bathroom to change my pants. This plane sure is bumpy. Seems like everyone is frowning at Mommy ‘cause we don’t fit through the aisle. What is Mommy saying? Oh, she’s saying, “it’s easy for people to criticize—harder for people to help.”

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