My sister came to visit, and I remarked to her that spring felt especially lush and regenerative this year. She said, "maybe that's because it is for you." It was an amazingly sage thing for her to say, and really hit the nail on the head.
Recently, I've started going to a naturopath. I'm taking steps to improve my health, and restore my vim and vigor. And I'm stopping the Zoloft. If you are unfamiliar with Zoloft (http://www.medicinenet.com/sertraline/article.htm), it is one the many SSRI forms of medication (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SSRI) used to treat depression. Many people in the United States take SSRIs, in fact, they are the number 1 prescribed drug in the U.S. http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/07/09/antidepressants/index.html. I can see why. When Fran came to die with me, I had to deal with the physical challenge of absorbing her into my family, and did not have enough energy to tackle the clot of feelings I have about my mother. I'm glad I took the Zoloft, I don't know how I would have made it otherwise. It enabled me to put my feelings into cold storage for a year, and accomplish the task at hand. I know a lot of moms take SSRIs, just so they can cope with the kids. It's how you get through the day without smacking the little angels. Zoloft gently swaddles you in bubble wrap.
Now my feelings are coming back, and I am greeting them with curiosity. I get livid now. I feel exuberant now. I am forced to learn how to handle my bad feelings, and I'm really enjoying the bursts of good feelings. Is there a pill that will magically teach me how to be Zen? Do I have to become a Buddhist? I believe that humans are like electricity: they seek the path of least resistance. I am intrinsically lazy and seek the smoothest road I can coast down, preferably in a limo, driven by a chauffeur. Experiencing and processing emotions is hard work--physically hard. I'm tired, I crave sweets, I've gained 20 pounds, I want a new drug. Do I really have to do this? Steven loves quote Nietzsche at me: "that which does not destroy me, makes me stronger". Smartass. I tell him to get me a beer.